flash fiction by jensen young

Excerpt from the 633rd Edition of Maynard’s Cosmic Encyclopedia

U
Universal Synthesizer:

The first working prototype of what is now known as a Universal Synthesizer was constructed in 2789 by Dr. Rowan Fields, though its creation is often falsely attributed to Dr. Mara Simmons.

Fields, working off the recently proven mathematical Theory of Alchemization, sought to construct the first working “alchemy” device that could accept any common material as input and chemically transpose its structure into any item the user desired.

After nearly a decade of research and failed models, Fields claimed to have devised a functioning prototype on February 20th, 2789. He held a well-attended press conference in his laboratory to showcase his efforts the next day. 

Spectators and reporters arrived that evening to find the lab emptied of all equipment, save for an unattractive steel rectangle sitting in the middle of the room next to a folding table. One guest later referred to it as a “bulky, asymmetric gym locker with wires hanging out, a plastic restaurant tray wedged into its middle, and ‘Alchemizer’ scrawled in marker on its side in the handwriting of a trembling child.” As the crowd piled in, many noticed its odd, lopsided design, and a quick analysis of articles written afterwards shows that the public recognized it more readily as the ‘Space Heater’ rather than the ‘Alchemizer.’

Dr. Fields entered the lab after his assistant had the spectators situated and gave a brief introduction to the device. He explained that it could take any material of any chemical composition and produce anything the operator desired. He then requested a volunteer, which was reportedly an issue, as one guest stated: “The thing was so appallingly ugly no one wanted to get close to it.”

A volunteer was eventually coerced out of the crowd, and Fields instructed her to choose any material sitting on the table to her right, upon which rested a variety of objects of differing shapes, sizes, and textures. She warily chose a wooden log, which Fields fed into the top of the machine. He then asked her for an item made of roughly the same amount of molecules to transmute it into.

When neither she nor anyone else was able to come up with an answer to his request—and his assistant informed him that it was not a question anyone was going to be able to answer—the doctor appeared embarrassed and quickly explained that that was not an issue, as the device also came with a kind of ‘Randomize’ option. Fields said that the machine would choose an appropriate transmutation for the log by itself.

After he pressed a number of buttons, the device “clanked to life vis á vis Frankenstein’s monster.” After some seconds, there was a tingling ‘clink’ as a glass teacup and saucer fell onto the plastic tray.

The doctor excitedly pulled it out and held it up for the audience, who largely squinted and shrugged at it. “I have teacups at home,” one spectator said.

Fields, visibly frazzled, explained that the value of the machine was in the fact that it could transform any material into any other material, not that it could create a teacup.

A reporter asked for clarification as to whether that meant one would have to cut down an entire tree if one wanted a full tea service. Fields reiterated that the device’s potential lay not in the specific item it had just produced, but instead in the fact that it could produce any item imaginable. The reporter asked why he was avoiding the question.

One guest asked what use this machine was to him if he didn’t even like tea. Fields attempted to calm his audience by beginning another demonstration, this time asking his assistant for help in hefting a foot-long, steel I-beam into the device. He pressed buttons as before, and about twenty seconds later, a glass juicer fell onto the tray.

The crowd fell silent for a moment, and then the same guest who didn’t care for tea stated that orange juice gave him acid reflux. The audience grew restless, and the doctor struck the side of the machine with a clipboard until they quieted down. Reports say he began looking unwell at that time, and tried again to explain that even though the machine was currently only making glassware for reasons he was unsure of, it was revolutionary because, in theory, it could make anything.

A guest said that, in practice, she’d never known of a juicer that took ten years of research to make.

Fields’s hands were reportedly shaking by this point in the demonstration, and he fumbled with the plastic tarp sitting folded on the table. He quickly got it into the device, and many report hearing him mutter fervently to himself as he pressed the buttons once again. After half a minute, a matching pair of glass salt and pepper shakers toppled onto the tray. An article published shortly after described him as “the picture of devastation.”

One spectator commented that he already had a kitchen full of glassware, and asked if it would be absolutely necessary that he stay for the rest of the demonstration. Fields, looking exhausted, said he supposed not, and the audience began filing out.

Seconds later, in a so-called “random fit of rage,” he tore off his lab coat and threw it into the machine, then turned it on. Some members of the crowd stopped walking out to see what would emerge.

In only ten seconds, a large glass salad bowl clunked onto the tray.

Side note:

The more well-known ‘inventor’ of the Universal Synthesizer, Dr. Mara Simmons, reportedly encountered the same problem as Dr. Fields. Due to a programming error, her prototype was unable to produce anything other than cutlery. However, the cutlery was composed of a material chemically identical to gold, and she was able to keep her lab funded long enough to resolve the issue.